Monthly Archives: January 2017

Some Common Habits That Actually Ruin Your Relationship

Have you ever wondered why your romantic relationships never seem quite as joyful and intimate as you would like? Many of us tend to think that as long as we choose the right partner, everything else will fall into place. However, people in the best relationships know that it takes conscious effort to avoid falling into a rut. Take a look at this list of common relationship-wrecking habits and start taking a new approach to your partner today.

Bad Habit #1: Boring conversations and tired dialogue

Everyone likes to think that their partner cares about their day, so questions like “How was work?” tend to become a staple of most couples’ conversations. Unfortunately, this gets old fast. Instead of asking the same old questions, why not try a more original approach such as “What’s the funniest thing that happened to you today?” or “What have you been reading lately?”

Bad Habit #2: Failing to express your needs

In an ideal world, our partners would be able to read our minds and grant our every wish without prompting. In reality, it is up to you to let your significant other know what you need from them, whether it’s reassurance about your appearance or a few more hugs every evening.[1] Just because you have to provide a bit of guidance doesn’t mean that the reward is any less valuable. Never expect your partner to be psychic, as they will only resent you when inevitably they fail to meet your needs and you become irritated as a result.

Bad Habit #3: Failing to plan for serious discussions

Charging into a sensitive conversation without properly considering the points you wish to make is a recipe for disaster, tension, and prolonged conflict. Instead, try writing down your thoughts beforehand.[2] This will help you remain calm even in the face of difficult conversations and will improve the quality of communication between you and your partner. Journaling about your emotions or just writing them down as a list can help you remain focused on the problem at hand rather than taking your sadness, anger or jealousy out on the other person.

Bad Habit #4: Trying hard to solve the conflicts before sleep

We’ve all heard the saying, “Don’t let the sun set on an argument.” Whilst this piece of advice is well-intentioned, the truth is that many arguments between couples often seem much more manageable after both people have had a good night’s sleep. When you find yourself snapping at your partner after a long day’s work or fighting over a relatively trivial issue in the evening, suggest that you both go to bed and resolve the matter in the morning.

Bad Habit #5: Speaking ill of your partner behind their back

It can be tempting to talk to your friends whenever your partner causes you stress. If you are in an abusive relationship or are concerned about your partner’s mental health, reaching out can be the most appropriate course of action. However, (if you aren’t in an abusive relationship) as a general rule, you should be talking about your relationship problems with your partner rather than other people[3]. This is because badmouthing your partner lessens the respect you have for them. You are unlikely to feel positive about your relationship if you spend a lot of time complaining about it.

These five bad habits can quickly undermine a relationship, but they are easy to overcome once you commit to increasing your self-awareness and examining how you behave towards your partner. Relationships are not always easy, but if you are prepared to put in some work on a regular basis you will reap numerous rewards including greater intimacy and mutual understanding.

Create A Perfect Relationship With Follow These 5 Rules

Lots of people are in relationships that don’t make them truly happy. They love their partner and they don’t want to be with anyone else, but for some reason their relationship is filled with arguments and resentment. Sometimes they feel disrespected by their partner even though they know that their partner loves them. This can leave both partners feeling frustrated, confused and upset.

If you can relate to this you’re not alone. Lots of couples love each other, but they don’t know the relationship rules for a happy love life. If you want to create a perfect relationship, follow these 5 relationship rules:

1. Make An Effort To Converse Every Day

One of the main issues in long-term relationships is when both partners stop making an effort to talk to each other. Instead of having interesting, thought-provoking conversations, all of the conversations start with “How are you?” or “How was work?”. While it is okay for some conversations to start like this, a happy couple will also talk about other things such as their interests or hobbies.

Small talk about boring subjects won’t bring you and your partner closer together. If anything it is more likely to pull you apart, as you will both start to feel like you have nothing in common with each other. Make the effort to ask your partner one interesting question a day, such as “Has anything made you laugh today?” The conversation will be much more enjoyable for both of you, and it gives you the opportunity to bond with each other.

2. Be Vocal About Your Needs

Sometimes people expect their partners to be able to predict their thoughts, emotions and desires. They feel that they are entitled to this, but in reality this is unreasonable. If your partner doesn’t anticipate your needs over time you might start to feel hurt and angry, but this isn’t fair on your partner. It is your responsibility to vocalise your needs and feelings, and then it is your partner’s responsibility to respond in a loving way.

3. Write Down Your Thoughts Before Talking To Your Partner

When we are upset it can be tempting to lash out and get angry, but the best thing you can do is sit down and write out your thoughts. This gives you the chance to process and understand your feelings, and it will help you to figure out the root of the problem. Later when you discuss the problem with your partner you will feel calmer and less upset, so you are less likely to say something hurtful. It also means you will have a more positive attitude about solving the problem.

4. Don’t Complain About Your Partner To Your Friends

Lots of people go to their friends about their relationship problems as they know that they will receive support and love. However, talking badly about your partner when they are not around to defend themselves can warp your perception of them, making you view them in a negative light. If you want to create a perfect relationship remember that communication is an important part of making a relationship work, so you should try to talk to your partner first instead of your friends.

5. Don’t Hold On To Every Little Thing

One of the most toxic traits in a relationship is keeping score. Your partner forgot to take out the bins, so you’re seething with anger. You didn’t take the chicken out of the freezer, so your partner called you selfish. Passive aggressive behaviour like this indicates that there is a serious problem in the relationship, but instead of addressing it you both continue to obsess over the little things.

If you can relate to this, try to work on being more relaxed and positive. Remind yourself every day that happiness is built on patience, love and understanding – not resentment and pettiness.

Tips To Get A Happy Relationship

While the formative years of a relationship are usually incredibly positive, it is hard to imagine any changes later on. As feelings change and relationships grow to take on greater responsibilities, it is easy to become mired in a cycle of negativity that overwhelms any feelings of passion and love that remain.

We have all experienced this. Initial feelings of passion and excitement slowly give way to sadness, apathy, and, in some instances, resentment. These feelings can create a relationship with more negative interactions than positive ones, which exacerbates the existing issues further and places an intolerable strain on each individual involved.

Why You Should Imagine Your Relationship as Though It Is a Bank Account

In order to understand this further, let’s consider another scenario where it is possible for negative transactions to outnumber positive ones. If you have a bank account, for example, you may have experienced periods where your outgoings and monthly payments are greater than your earnings during the same period. As you will know, such a scenario will leave you in the red, either trapped in a predetermined overdraft or indebted to the lender.

This type of situation cannot continue indefinitely either, as a continued excess of negative transactions will eventually force you to foreclose on the account.

In order to avoid this, you must adopt a proactive approach to resolving the issue, while taking practical steps to build the number of positive transactions in the account and restoring a healthy balance. This requires courage and understanding, while it also encourages you to constantly work on your financial management and seek out creative methods of maintaining a positive balance.

The Golden Ratio: 5 Times More Positive Interactions Than Negative Ones

This is a principle that can be applied directly to your relationship, as research conducted by Dr. John Gottman underlines. His theory is based on the basic principle that the existence of ongoing and unresolvable issues within a relationship is perfectly normal and healthy, and that the key is to balance this with positive interactions.

According to Gottman, the golden ratio for a healthy relationship is to experience at least five times more positive interactions than negative ones[1], as this creates a balance that can sustain a union even through testing times.

This is often referred to as a “relationship bank account”, where an excess of negative interactions and withdrawals (or conflicts) quickly drains any credit that exists and edges the union close to zero or the precipice of a break-up. If you are able to establish a healthier balance and the type of ratio referenced above, however, you can build the credit and level of sentiment within the relationship, creating a safety net that minimizes the impact of arguments and ensures that individual issues are kept in perspective.

How to Keep a Positive Balance of Your Relationship Bank Account

While this logic holds true, however, the question that remains is how can couples pursue such a healthy balance? The first step is to recognize the realities of human relationships, which dictate that conflict is inevitable and should be embraced as a key part of adult life. From there, it is easier to manage your relationship while seeking out opportunities to build positive interactions and memories.

When it comes to forging positive interactions, it is crucial that you focus on your relationship and look to seek out shared passions and hobbies. This ensures that you spend quality time with one another, and ensures that you enjoy positive experiences and interactions that can quickly build credit between two individuals.

This requires effort and application on both sides, of course, while there should also be a willingness to set aside specific periods of time for such activity.

By managing your relationship as though it was a bank account and adhering to Dr. John Gottman’s golden ratio, you can create a positive and sustainable relationship that can survive even difficult periods of time. If you do need any more motivation to follow this path and invest time into cultivating such positive interactions, just consider the consequences of allowing negative interactions to build up and the permanent impact that this can have on relationships.